i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
