I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
