nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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