apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
