I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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