my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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