i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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