look no pants
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize