people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
