you traded sex for a burrito?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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