just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
