Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
