ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
