he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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