She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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