I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
