Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
