and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
