I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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