So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
