Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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