I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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