You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
