Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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