turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize