my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
