please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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