i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
