Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
