I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
