At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
