I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
