Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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