i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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