i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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