Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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