so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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