Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
