i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm like, not good at living.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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