I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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