ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
