can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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