I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
