In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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