If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
