OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
