I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize