I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
