I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
