She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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