the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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