I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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