but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
