I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
