if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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