I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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