I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
