just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
