My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
