How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
