Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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